What's Love Got To Do With It?

What's Love Got To Do With It?

This seems like a timely topic...in light of the fact that today is Valentine's Day.

Love can be a very emotionally-charged discussion.

At 48, I've experienced what I would define as true love in my lifetime, as well as some really devastating hardships around love.

I was married at the young age of 21, to a man who I felt completely loved by, in a way I didn't honestly know was even possible. While I had experienced 'puppy love' in high school, where I thought for sure I was going to marry him, have his babies, and live happily ever after (don't we all feel that way the first time we're in love?), holy hell I'm so grateful that scene didn't play out. I would have literally extinguished if I would've stayed in the small town where I was raised not giving myself the opportunity to see what all was possible for me!

In my marriage, my husband (and yes, he's now my ex-husband, but keep reading) taught me how to love with patience and compassion. I felt like I came first in his life (or at least a close second to his Mom, which melted my heart how much he cared for her) and that we were truly co-creating our future together.

Our love created two of the most amazing humans on this earth...our beautiful children. And that, my friends, brought a whole new level of love into my world! The love a mother has for her children is unmatched. It's truly indescribable. 

I've also experienced love in other relationships throughout my life. I guess I've always been that person who had one really close friend, who knew me so well and I felt very safe to be myself around. I had one in high school, but that ended in a confusing and hurtful way. I had one in college, but we lost touch. I had another one when my babies were young and we are still connected today, although our lives are very different and don't speak daily like we used to. 

The one that stands out the most is the very one that left me completely unavailable to have another 'ride or die' for over a decade. I loved her like I'd never loved another friend. I felt complete when I was with her. Her energy was intoxicating for me, in all the good ways. 

While I'm not ready to share the details that led to this friendship ending, I will share that it also led to the end of my marriage. My heart is pounding and my hands are shaking as I type this. And that happened over a decade ago. 

Big emotional experiences surrounding love can leave a mark. 

Over the past year, I've done a lot of work on my relationship with love. It was easy to pour all of my love into being a mother all those years in hopes my children wouldn't feel the deep agony that I was experiencing, but as it turns out, they had their own, too. Nothing is worse than witnessing your beautiful children suffer. Nothing.

In 2021 I made a decision that it was time for me to start working through my own experience with love instead of focusing on others (aka avoiding), or stuffing my feelings down with food or booze (aka numbing). (More on that in a future blog...)

The love I feel now is for myself. My work is not yet complete, and I'm okay with that. I can, however, feel myself changing. I'm allowing myself to open up to others who I know love me, but for some reason, I just wouldn't let myself let them in before now.

From this place I get to create fulfilling relationships with the patience and compassion I learned so many years ago...only this time, I have elevated my self-love and self-worth to a place where I won't lose myself or mold into what someone else wants me to be.

And...I will never again give someone the power to make me feel loved or complete. This is not meant to be a bitter statement. This is meant to be empowering.

So what's love got to do with it? 

Love is everything.

It starts with loving yourself first.

I've never done this before so it's all new to me, and I'm already seeing and feeling how incredibly beautiful it is.

So today, this Valentine's Day, ask yourself: How can I love myself?

Because waiting for someone else to make you feel loved (or complete) is like waiting for a ship to come in at the airport.

Once you love yourself, all the other love you experience is like gravy...which makes everything better. And how you love others is even more delicious!

So put yourself first. Love yourself. And watch the most fulfilling love unfold in your life.💗